the question

I cannot say to you
that it is deep spring –
that now when I walk
at the outset of night,
the fields are thick
with frog song

I cannot tell you
that those long talks
under the porch light
were the best moments,
and saved me many times
from myself

you are not here
to hear that these
are also the best moments,
living among the worst –

and that “yes”
would be the answer
if you’d ask again
whether I am happy

but you are not here
to ask the question,
and I am petal-deep
in memories

© Sarah Whiteley

On Easter Sunday, I lost a very dear friend to cancer. We lost him quickly, and because of our current situation, I was unable to hug him one more time in farewell. He was truly the kindest, most generous person I’d ever met. He was thoughtful, and compassionate, and gently pushed others towards compassion. I never got the chance to tell him how his presence in my life changed me for the better – saved me even. For years, he would ask me the question “are you happy?” and for years my answers fell somewhere between “well, you know” and “I’m okay” followed by a shrug. This man who genuinely cared whether or not I was happy never had the chance to hear that I was. I am finally in a space where I have room to breathe, where I am safe, where daily I can walk among trees, where I can feel some peace. And a lot of that is due to this one person who cared enough to help me ask myself what it is exactly that would make me happy. So thank you, dear Leo. I am happy. ❤

finch talk

the finches had much
to say today –
about the dampness
of the day,
the amount of seed
remaining on the sill,
the early dark and
the lateness of light

winter prattlings,
cold weather natterings –
so different from
the ardent liltings
they will trade
between the buds
in the spring,
but enjoyable
to ears all the same

© Sarah Whiteley

My apologies for my absence lately. Some large projects have been keeping me rather busy which means that finding time and mental space to write has been difficult to say the least. Unfortunately, reading the blogs I subscribe to has also fallen by the wayside recently. Of course, not having internet at home since before the holidays has complicated the issue. However, that particular problem should (fingers crossed) be rectified this weekend and I will hopefully be able to start catching up on my reading and my writing soon.

My best friend and I have a hiking motto, birthed during our first adventure together through three miles of calf deep mud and down a hundred foot cliff (one of us with only one working hand at the time). That motto is “straight through the middle!” Meaning that sometimes the only way to get to where you are going is to keep moving forward. In news of the major life adventure variety, I am making arrangements to leave Seattle after many, many years and relocate to Colorado in March. The Universe has basically been yelling at me for a while now that It Is Time! So with much nervousness (and much exhilaration), I’m holding myself to that motto.

I will miss my quirky crows, my beloved Cascade Mountains, all those rainy hikes, porch beers with neighbors, and of course my best friend. But there is also so much that I am looking forward to: new hikes, new neighbors, new adventures, and finding new inspiration all around. So if I start writing about changes and leavings and whole families of dust bunnies found while cleaning out closets, you all will know why.

With much love and gratitude,
Sarah

Somebunny’s Shifting Gears

I’ve been finding it difficult to juggle writing for the blog vs. writing for a possible new chapbook (hence the rather sporadic posts lately). So I’ve decided to give myself a break this year. For 2015 (or at least for most of it), I’ve decided to use the blog as more of a poet’s journal and actual finished pieces will be few and far between. Instead I’ll share some of the WIPs and little snippets I jot down which eventually become poems. And of course, little watercolor sketches and photos here and there. I think this will take some of the pressure off and I’ll be able to focus a bit more on finished pieces for the chapbook.

Oh yes – and do say hello to Moby over there on the left. Val, who is a lovely artist living in Wales, offered the name as a joke and it sort of stuck. Moby was originally going to be added to the pile of charity donations which will be boxed up and sent off to brighten up some little one’s day, but I felt his limbs might be too easily pulled off (poor Moby) so he’s been left on a friend’s doorstep with the below note. I think he’ll very much enjoy his new home.

Have a beautiful 2015, my friends!

counting cigarettes

bare feet on the damp boards of the rain-soaked porch

I try counting how many cigarettes are left

not in the packs between us, leaning on the rail

but in moments left to us in this sacred space

where we learned the measure of our lips

and the direct relation of hands to laughter

no use pouring coffee before it’s been made

this now for now, with you will more than do

© Sarah Whiteley

talismans

the leaves have dropped
burnt out finally after
the last conflagration
and the fog drifts in
most mornings now
a shroud for ashen skies
hangs about sometimes
until noon even
days like this call
for extra cups of coffee
with an extra spoon of sugar –
something hot and sweet
to cup chilled hands about
a talisman against graying days
and the sooner dark
thoughts of you
were once my August
in the icy weeks to come
now I have the warmly
snoring bodies of dogs
and extra doses
of coffee the color
of 5 AM in December

© Sarah Whiteley

brighter

it isn’t so much
that the days
are tiring
as it is the light
is struggling
to stay
as earth is urged
to darker arms
and the calm
of slow hibernation
how wondrous it is
that light should find
a fragile respite
in fiery leaves
as if the trees too
would stoke it brighter
for just those few
more days

© Sarah Whiteley

Perhaps a bit early for this, but I’m in an autumn sort of mood lately. The light is shifting and I’m already feeling a shortening in the days.

Normally this time of year, I would announce that Ebbtide is on hold until I’ve made it to the far side of the tax deadlines that hit us at the office in September and October. This year I’ve decided to wait and see. And if I am able to find the time and space to write – to find a quiet moment in which to lose myself a little in beauty – then all the better for me.

wanted to let you know…

…I am writing. But I’m taking my sweet time and holding back on a few. I’ve decided to try a change in approach to my writing for a while and see if it helps any with the flow of ideas. So posts may be sparse for a time. Meanwhile, go check out an update on the crows!

Cheers!

time once more to bloom

that late August afternoon
after sweating unwieldy boxes
up the three flights alone
I paused for a moment’s rest
and touched the ache of this space
not yet made my own
but thought at least how lucky,
to have the hopeful green
of a locust tree to nod in at me
not an hour later three men came
with their coveralls and chainsaws
to cut back the branches –
the cruelty of regulatory topping –
I tried not to take this
as irony or prophecy
and in spite of our crude pruning,
June arrived awash in petals,
white and brisk with bees
and the inquisitiveness
of hummingbird pairs
and October blew skiffs of yellow
adrift on winds that waved
as they passed the windows
and now this second April
as window neighbors
(we still politely nod)
not a sign of swelling twig,
nor brightness of bud,
but the brown bones
of last year’s unfallen leaves
still cling reluctant
while I watch and wait
for Spring to remind and wake
that inner ache which tells us both
it’s time once more to bloom

© Sarah Whiteley

You’ll have to forgive me if I’m a bit on the quiet side in the coming weeks. For those of you who don’t know, I work in the accounting field and now is a very busy time for me at work. Which means, unfortunately, that I am often too distracted to keep up with writing and reading. So this may be the last post until I’m on the other side of this deadline. But I’ll be back in a couple weeks to catch up on all the new posts I may have missed.

I’m Three!

Well, the blog is at any rate… three!

When I consider the reasons I began this blog (read the About page if you haven’t already) and compare it to where I am today, I can’t even begin to express how thoroughly pleased I am. This blog began as a tool – an outlet – to help me to rediscover the person I wanted to be (and still was waaaay deep down inside). I think at this point I’ve moved beyond that viewpoint and shifted from blog as “tool” to blog as “creative expression.” And that’s a milestone I’m ready to celebrate. I am at peace and content with myself. It sounds strange to say, but that’s a sense I honestly never thought I’d have a handle on. Yet here it is. And here I am.

I owe much to those who have passed through Ebbtide and left their mark in some form or other. The benefits of the validation and support received (whether from one-time readers or long-time subscribers) have been incalculable. I have been blessed to find several richly expressive, wonderful people via Ebbtide and am happy to count them now among my “writerly” friends. From the warmest part of my heart, thank you.

Val, Marian, Charles, Laz, and Guy – you have been my most avid readers/commenters of late and yours have been the writings I am most drawn to and feel the most enriched by. So a special thank you to you!

Now here it is… changes…

I’ve been mulling this idea over for some time now. Sarah, you write fiction. Why in the world don’t you post it? There have been times in recent months I’ve been sorely tempted to do just that. But then I back away from that idea. Nah! I write and share my poetry,… it’s just what I do.

Part of it is habit. Part of it is my being unsure of the reception my fiction would receive on a blog that has been based on poetry for three years. Yet another part of it is that my “fiction voice” is so very different from my “poetry voice” that… well… I don’t know. But it’s all starting to sound like a big bunch of silly excuses to me. Amazing how good we can be at coming up with excuses to not do something that might test the boundaries of our comfort zones.

So I’ve decided – fictions will be forthcoming. Perhaps not right away. And perhaps in some sort of serialized format. But interspersed between my regular poetry postings will be a few somethings of a different nature. I hope you won’t mind…

And now I’m off to have pumpkin pie for breakfast. Because I can…

Peace,
Sarah